flamly

Flamly: (n) That's what my sister and I always call our Family...it stems from her inability to pronounce the word right when she was younger.

My parents and sister have been in England since August 1st. My parents are staying there until the 31st but Pig had to come back Monday so that she can leave for school on the 21st. I picked her up from the airport Monday evening and then took Tuesday off so that we could go to lunch and I could take her shopping for her 21st birthday present (she got some killer silver shoes and a gorgeous haircut). Monday night while P was at the gym, Pig and I sat out by the fire pit and roasted marshmallows and talked about her trip and our parents and the amusing things that they do, their habits and idiosyncracies.

I love those inside jokes that you can only have with your family. Only someone who grew up in your house gets them and laughs with you. It's a different level of understanding when you're with your family. Your friends may "get you" and they may be able to comprehend who you are...but your family, they understand. It's understanding born of shared experience, both good and bad. It's always refreshing when I get to spend time with Pig because she and I are very much alike, and despite our age difference (I'm the big sister by 10 years) have SO much fun together.

Often, even with my best friends, I feel like I have to worry about whether they understand where I'm coming from. I feel like I worry alot about whether they interpet what I say a certain way, or that they're looking for a subtext that isn't there. I check myself before I say things and I second guess myself when I do say something because I've always felt awkward, like people are prone to misinterpreting me. It's a huge challenge for me because at heart I want nothing more than to just say "look, this is how it is." and be 100% straightfoward and upfront with people. But the thing is...when you do that, people get mad. And I hate, hate, hate, having to run around and try to make amends for something that I didn't even say or mean..they just interpreted. Oh, I know that I'm at fault here too... I do know that at times I can be insensitive. At times, I can be too blunt and too impatient and too sarcastic...but not all the time. Not most of the time. I mean the kind of thing where I'll put up a facebook status and I get 5 individual messages asking if it was directed at friend a, b, or c.... when really, I was just quoting a line from a movie or a song.

Family's different...there's no awkward second guessing of what you can say. You can lay your feelings on the table,bare for them to see and they don't look for anything that's not there. Perhaps I shouldn't generalize and say 'family', perhaps I should just say "sisters". Lord knows, my mom looks for what's not there :-). But that's what makes her Mom.

Sisters, Family...they know you. They know what you're trying to say, they know the feeling behind what you've said. I know that not every family is like that...and I know that even my own family isn't like this 100% of the time. No one's perfect. But I do consider myself exceedingly blessed in this aspect of life. My husband and my sister, my two kindred spirits, they get me. They understand me. I'm extremely lucky in that my husband is caring enough to have taken the time when we were dating to really find out how I work, to understand my motivations, to listen to what I was trying to say and to hear the unspoken reasons behind the words. I think when you love someone, you do that...because you want to understand them the way that their families do. He's a listener and a senser, my husband. He's extraordinarily in tune to the way that I feel...he can read my face like he can read a map of our city. He knows when I'm worried, when I've had a bad day...before I ever open my mouth. People ask me all the time why P and I have such an obviously happy marriage... the easy answer is, because my husband's amazingly kind and TRULY understands me.

My dad can tell when I'm having a bad day just by how I say hello when I call home. My mom can tell when I've been crying from 60 miles away. My sister knows that when I say I'm mad about A...it's really because I'm hurt by B. She knows that I don't like to be vulnerable so I get mad instead. And, she calls me on it. Lucky...so Lucky.

I laugh alot with my family. To the point where I cry I am laughing so hard...I love that SO much. It's that kind of laughter where you're not worried about whether you're going to snort because they'll all snort with you. It's unfettered and free. It's easy and comfortable like that broken down sweatshirt that you got your freshman year in college and just can't part with. Man do i love that faded scarlet hoodie.

Do you readers ever feel that way with your friends? Being totally completely relaxed and comfortable without ever having to second guess what you say? Or are you like me...do you mostly feel that with your immediate family? I dont know why this was on my mind so much this morning...I think, it's just because when I spend time with P and pig, the next day, I realize how very relaxed I am and how much fun I had. With Pig being in college, and my parents being in Dayton , it's easy to forget how amazing they are, and how comfortable I am with them...and then I'm reminded and it sticks out in my mind. Anyone who reads this blog knows how much I love my friends and consider them blessings in my life, but anyone who reads this blog also knows how much I struggle with feeling like I dont fully fit in with anyone but my family and my husband and my horse. It's the paranoid introverted nerdy little girl inside my head poking and prodding and saying "what if they don't REALLY like you...." So that's why I asked how you all feel with your friends...be honest. Do you check yourself too?

check: (v) to make a sudden stop; pause: The horse checked before he jumped.
to restrain; hold in restraint or control: They built a high wall to check the tides.

3 Blessings:

Being accepted for who I am
My friends whom I do love so very much
My flamly