Wednesday, December 31, 2008

happy new year!

happy new year my bloggy friends.

today is the slowest day of work EVER.

i just want to go hooooome. i want to be with my husband and cuddle and watch tv.

i swear it's 5 o'clock and my computer clock is just stuck.


3 things:


those are my husband's real initials :-)

Monday, December 29, 2008

Fear Not...

So, I usually don't post about my religious views...but this struck a chord with my heart this Christmas and I thought it post-worthy. I think that for all of us in least those whose blogs I read's a reminder that we need.

The back story: very long with personal details. skip if you just want the message.

2007-2008 for the most part completely totally sucked. Granted a lot of really wonderful things happened to me. I left the job I was to burned out to do anymore and moved back to Columbus, which is the city of my heart. P and I bought a house. I started a new job that looked promising and wonderful. Before we bought the house, we lived with our friends the Mojos. While living with the Mojos we house-hunted and I started my new job. I got about a month and a half into it and started feeling "off". Like, there were times when I felt light-headed...dizzy. My stomach would roll and I'd feel like I had to sit down before I fell down. I went my usual route of ignoring things because if you ignore them, they'll go away. My heart rate was ridiculous, I's always fast (apparently I run on a different speed than everyone else...blood pressure is extremely low, but my resting pulse is rarely lower than 77 but resting it was still around 100 beats per minute. When we moved into the new house, P was working in the evenings, and I was there by myself until 11:30 p.m. a lot...and that's when it got really bad. The job wasn't going well at all, my boss was a nightmare and the people I worked with were the kind of people who are ignorant and prejudiced about many of the things that I consider myself an ally for. I was pretty much miserable and had only been there for 3 months. Anyway, I would be unpacking boxes and would have to stop and go lie down. I was terrified and thought I was dying. Finally, one night, I went to the gym...feeling off and ran for a long time. I checked my pulse and it was hovering around 200 beats per minute. GASP! SHOCK! TERROR! So, i went to urgent care. They checked everything and said "go home, you're fine, it's normal." I wasn't convinced and went home and cried. About a week later, I was putting stuff away (again, P wasn't home) and my chest got tight and I got dizzy and lightheaded again. I took myself back to urgent care and burst into tears in front of the nurse. She brought in the on-call doctor and he listened to my heart and said, "You know...I don't want to seem forward...but have you had a lot of change in the last couple of months?" YES!!!!!! I said. YES!!!! Then he asked, "Are you usually the type of person who just 'handles stress?'. YES! I said, thinking where is this crazy man going with this?? He then said...I think you're having anxiety attacks. WHAT????

Yes...and so began the year long journey through anxiety. I tried to tough it out for a couple of months...I made it through September before I caved and decided that I couldn't deal with it on my own anymore. I was stressing my parents out and poor P would come home to find me crying on the bed because I just couldn't breathe...couldn't get my heart to slow down. He would hold me and make me breathe with him until I could get it under control. I finally came to the realization that this was one thing that I was not going to be able to just 'handle.' I took myself to a counselor and got myself a prescription for some anti-anxiety meds. My urgent care doctor became my regular doctor. He addressed all my medical concerns and proved to me that there wasn't actually anything physically wrong with me. The counselor was wonderful, she quickly realized that I was not the type of person who would just take her word for things and gave me journal articles to read. She encouraged me when I was down and talked me through a lot of things where I really thought I was crazy. She helped bring my confidence back when between my boss and my had all but disappeared. We found that I am much more of a "bottler" than I had ever thought. That all the times when I would say I wasn't stressed out, planning a wedding, grad school, my dad's stroke, my grandparents deaths...I just didn't let myself grieve. Didn't let myself feel anything. I was far too afraid to feel vulnerable to let myself actually get rid of those emotions the way that normal people do.

Then along came March 2008. I was still seeing the counselor, still on the anxiety meds. My mom called and my worst nightmare came dad was in the hospital again. There was something wrong with his heart. This is one of my biggest fears in the world, I am terrified of the day that I lose my dad. It's because he's older...he's 71. He's always been really healthy other than having "major things" happen. Diabetes, mismanaged diabetes, a mini-stroke. Other than that, he's hardly ever been sick in the entire time that I can remember. But my daddy, the person who'd always been my rock...was in the hospital. I felt like every worry I'd ever had about him dying was coming true. I was terrified. P was wonderful, he showed me that no matter what happens...he can be my 'rock' too. That he can be my strength when I'm not strong. But I was still scared. I had to be strong for my mom and my little sister especially, but inside I didn't know if I could handle it...not with everything else that had happened this year. But I did...and I did it differently than I had in the past. I let P see me cry. I prayed. Oh... how I prayed. I prayed not that God wouldn't let my dad die...but that he would do what he felt was right. I trusted Him. I trusted that IF he did family would still be okay. My dad's surgery went fine and he's doing amazingly well. I still worry. There's a part of me that every day wonders how people do it when their parents die. How long does the hurt last before it becomes manageable...How long will I ache and feel that emptiness. (I don't REALLY want an answer.)

After my dad's surgery, I decided that where I was working was really a major contributor to my unhappiness and started searching for a new job on the sly. I hated doing it, but was left with no choice. The end of May, I found a new job at OSU. I started working at my dream job 2 weeks later.

I gradually took myself off meds and stopped seeing the counselor. I've learned to effectively manage the anxiety...though I wish I could just never worry...I know that it's always going to be a part of me and I just have to not let it affect everything. This is the real reason that I started this blog to help me not let anxiety and fear turn everything bad, to help remind myself of all the reasons I have in life to be strong, to be confident and to be happy. This leads us to the Christmas Eve Sermon.

The Message: From Rev.Mcquire.

The title of the sermon was "Fear Not." It was a reminder of just how many times in the Bible God speaks to us and says "Fear not...for I am with you." It's actually true that the command not to fear is repeated more times than the command to feel love. Luke tells us of how the shepherds quaked in the field when the angels came to tell them of Christ’s birth. Luke tells us" And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.

It is such a strong message throughout the Bible. FEAR NOT. Live your life In Him. TRUST. Do not be afraid...He is there.

Do not be afraid of the sad economy, do not be afraid of failure or of success, do not be afraid of your own not be afraid of Loss...of sadness. He makes no promises that those things will not happen...but He loves us. He promises repeatedly that He is there. That He will take care of us always. If we trust. If we remember that message first told to the shepherds... Fear NOT...there is joy. We will see those we love again, we will be okay. Unequivocally...He tells us, He is there. You will be fine.

I have always wondered how my dad, my strong safe dad, has never been afraid. How he has never appeared to worry. Perhaps he just doesn't have the "worry gene" that the rest of us do. Or perhaps it's because he actually listens...listens to what God tells us so many times. My dad has always told me "everything will be okay...there's no need to worry." I used to laugh to myself and say 'how do you know.' But he does...and I believe I'm beginning to understand. How can I not trust what's repeated more times than the command to love? How can I assume to know better than God himself? Humbling thought huh?

So dear's my paraphrased message as we all begin the New Year together. Our generation (those of us in our late 20s, early 30s) are worriers. We are a caretaker generation...we fix things. We control things. We are strong and do not like to feel vulnerable. But we are human. We are just frail creatures in the greater scheme of Life. I plan to embrace my stop trying to pretend that I can handle everything all the time. I hope not to fear so much this year. To remember that when I think that I'm about to plummet off a cliff onto the crashing rocks below, I have an invisible safety net. A giant warm loving safety net. HE is there, My God. As we continue in our new marriages, plan new weddings, hope for children (not me yet!!!!!), wish for good health for all those we love, fail, succeed, and dream....remember that no matter what the outcome, we need not fear.

This is my favorite reminder of one of the 75 or so times that God tells us not to be afraid.

The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the LORD is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? Psalms 27-1, KJ

3 things. Three reasons not to be afraid.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

mothers in law....

dinner with the mother in law and her boyfriend tonight...

plusses- free food at Ruths Chris steakhouse
minuses- i resent that she feels she can demand time with us after she ignored her son for the better part of his life. i dislike that in the 6 years that P and I have been together she has only supported him when she feels its convenient and that he feels compelled to say "it's just how she can't expect anything else from her" Why should any son have to say that about his mother?


perhaps i shall order filet. or lobster. or perhaps both. that will make me feel better :-)

oooooh i hear a big BAH HUMBUG in the room!

3 things:

my parents who have always, ALWAYS been there for me no matter what
my husband who deserves the best from everyone because he unconditionally loves them
that people in the world are finding holiday cheer in the little things like goofy ornaments and tinny musical cards and old christmas specials.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

twas the night before christmas......or wishful thinking?!

i wish it was the night before christmas! i wish that my cough would go away. it hurts!

where have i been since my last post? well let's see...

P and I went down to Dayton for my mom's birthday but that was when my dad and I were both still really sick so rather than go to Lebanon for the Parade of Horses that we go to every year I laid on the couch and snotted my brains out watching football with my dad while P and my sister and mom brought us hot drinks and blankets. I mustered enough energy to go with my mom and sister to pick up ribs from our favorite restaurant in Dayton (Hickory BBQ on Brown Street) and on the way home we were following a truck down I-35 and it spun out in front of us, missed us by maybe 5 feet and crashed into the wall. I hate winter weather driving.

Everyone was okay and the ribs were worth the journey!

I got to see my horses which was great...I wish that I could find somewhere close to my house that isn't 300+ a month. I really miss Colors even if I haven't ridden him in over a year. I would love to get back into riding regularly. Even just being able to be around the horse would be great. Horses center me and bring me back to earth when I get stressed. They are completely non judgemental and I truly believe they are telepathic and can sense your feelings and help heal your heart.

After Dayton we came home and went back to the daily grind. We went Christmas shopping a couple evenings and I did a floor-set at Bath and Body Works one night. That was a nightmare. I enjoy the floor sets because it's mindless work and the girls are really nice and it's fun to set up the store and make it all pretty for the holidays but when 3 people bail out at 11 and leave the manager and I there until 230 a.m. when i have to go to my real job at 730 the next morning....ooooh that hurts!

OSU's been OSU. The kiddies are all done with finals and have gone home for break so the campus is very very empty. It's kind of creepy because right during finals a girl was raped in broad daylight outside the building that's like 2 building's down from mine. Well, she was grabbed outside the building and dragged into the basement. We're all being really careful trying not to walk anywhere alone.

On a happier OSU note, it's nice to be done with my first "real" quarter of work at a new job. I have absolutely loved it and I'm starting to feel a little more confident...more like my old self before my last disasterous job with the crazy evil boss that destroyed my confidence in myself.(yeah...anywhere that makese you so miserable you go to counseling about it is NOT a good place to work.)

So that takes us to this last weekend...we went up to Michigan and spent the weekend in Ann Arbor with my friend Cornelia Maria and her husband Dr.Neuropsych. He's doing his internship at U of M and she's working for Concordia which is highly entertaining as Concordia is EXTREMELY CONSERVATIVE LUTHERAN and Cornelia, while Catholic, is a feminist who worked with me in very liberal Athens for 4 years. She's pretty much doing it for the free housing, but I think I probably would have died by now. She's not even allowed to say "so if you were spending the night at your boyfriends" as a hypothetical scenario example. They are in complete denial that there is pre-marital sex. Highly entertaining.

Anyway, we visited them and then went up to Detroit for the OASIS concert! OH MY GOD IT WAS AMAZINGLY FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love Oasis and we had several of their songs in our wedding (Wonderwall, She is Love) and then we danced to Noel Gallagher's cover of This Guy's In Love with You. It was a great "rock" concert....I was even pleasantly surprised by Ryan Adams and his band the Cardinals. They are edgier than just plain Ryan Adams who I find to be kind of whiney and boring. If you dont' know who Oasis is, then I highly suggest that you go HERE and listen to some of their songs. The videos are a little strange but I recommend listening to Let There Be Love, Whatever, Live Forever and Champagne Supernova.

It's been a busy last ten days or so...but, lots of fun.

I shall leave you with a slightly less than thought provoking but still very true couple of lines from "The Masterplan"

Then dance if you wanna dance
Please brother take a cahnce
You know they're gonna go
which way they wanna go
All we know is that we don't know
How it's goinna be, please brother let it be
Life on the other hand wont let us understand
we're all part of the master plan

3 things:
tylenol nightime cough medicine
that my dog somehow remembers where he left his purple squirrel and he'll run and go get it and play with it on his own
that i live in Ohio and not Michigan :-)

Monday, December 8, 2008

dear sweet cold medicine

dear sweet 9 pound 4 oz baby jesus (talladega nights anyone?)

i have been SOOOOO sick! i got the cold from hell and have spent the last 5 days trying to snuffle,sneeze and cough my way through work, family, and all kinds of other stuff.

So what have I not told you, now that I'm starting to feel better?

Thanksgiving was a mixed bag. Left work early on Wednesday, spent the evening at home getting ready to go on the whirlwind tour of Ohio. Went to P's mom's house in the morning on Thursday and hung out with her awful boyfriend. This was freezing cold and uncomfortable and miserable. P's mom and dad got divorced when P was 8 or so and MIL moved to California when P was about 11 I think. MIL was largely absent from Ps life. From when I started dating P to when we got married, she'd sent him maybe 3 cards and called him a handful of times and he'd gone out to visit her once. Anyway, I have a little bit of resentment toward her because she now tries to make P feel guilty for not spending much time with her now that she's moved back to Ohio with her latest boyfriend. Thanksgiving was fairly similar. Little comments from her and her bf about spending more time with them rather than going straight to Ps dad's house (sidebar: we weren't INVITED to her house...we invited ourselves to stop by for a couple hours). It's whatever.

That afternoon we spent a wonderful wine and food filled afternoon and evening with Ps dad and step mom and step mom's family. There was tons of food, football and friends. I always feel like the frumpy oddball with the step mom's daughters because they're all drop dead gorgeous, put together out of a magazine, dark Italian looking women. I'm short, chubby and frizzy. They are very warm and welcoming to me, I sometimes think that they think I'm like the special kid on the bus. Oh well ;) I'm much more comfortable with their husbands where I can watch football and talk about Ohio State etc.

We played Euchre late into the night and then went to bed. The next morning P and I drove down to Columbus and I worked at Bath and Body Works helping them with Black Friday. It was pretty fun and not as busy as I thought it would have been.

Saturday my family came up and I cooked a huge meal of lamb and potatoes and veggies and dessert. My sister brought her boyfriend and it was just awkward and uncomfortable and awful because he's SO nice and she was being such a brat. I don't know if he'll last long. I would like them to break up and then get back together in a few years when she's ready to "settle down". My mom had the plague and ended up passing that on to me so I stayed home Monday and then faked my way through 4 days of work while trying not to drown in my own snot and phlegm. I know, I'm a pretty princess.

We decorated our Christmas tree and mantle and put a few decorations outside. As soon as I'm home, I'll put up a few more outside and we'll be done. I hope to post some pics soon!

3 things:
my mom putting her hand on my forehead to see if I had a fever, simple gestures let me know I'm loved.
my husband being SO nice to me when i've been such a crab pants for the last week
going to the oasis concert next saturday

Monday, December 1, 2008

I'M STILL THANKFUL....#%$@#%#%$#%#%


but here's the thing. I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO thankful for my wonderful sister.


there are times when I would like to knock her silly for her 20 year old mean snake in the grass attitude.


*breathe in* *breathe out*

I'm her older sister. We could brawl but nooo I will keep my mouth shut. I will just let her work it through her system and I will just assume she has PMS.


Carry out a random act of kindness, with no expectation of reward, safe in the knowledge that one day someone might do the same for you. Princess Diana

pottamus! where?! | Creative Commons Attribution- Noncommercial License | Dandy Dandilion Designed by Simply Fabulous Blogger Templates