Tuesday, September 9, 2008

ode to pharmaceuticals and honoring marriage

allegra! oh blessed pharmaceutical breakthrough!

i broke down yesterday and called the dr. and begged him to prescribe anything that would turn the faucet that was my nose into a decidedly off position. he called in the nice generic version of allegra and for $5 i now feel back to my normal human, non-drippy self.

i hate drugs....HATE drugs. however, i am beginning to thank my lucky stars that i live somewhere that has the technology to make me feel like myself even if it's through chemicals.

*breathes in* hear that readers???? that is the sound of free and clear sinuses!

another good thing is that if YOU breathe in, i can hear YOU because for the first time in 2 weeks, my ears are not plugged up too! yaaaaaaaaaay!

Today feels like fall. I love it. I had pumpkin spice creamer in my coffee and I think I may make some kind of creamy soup for dinner. If I could get P to stop at Great Harvest Bread Co. before the gym, we might have a nice hearty soup with a crusty french bred. Mmmmm fall weather rocks my socks off.

Soon it'll be time to pick pumpkins and decorate for halloween. I cannot wait! I hope that P and I get to take advantage of some of the fun fall festivals that are around us this year. Last year we were too busy with having just moved into a new house etc. We missed the Circleville Pumpkin show and a few others that we love.

P and I have been having some good discussions lately. We've talked about what it really means to "honor thy marriage" and how do we "honor eachother." I think that overwhelmingly it's something that my married friends take lightly and that P and I too haven't really given enough in depth thought to what it means. As we complete year 2 of marriage (11/11/06) we've been contemplating it more. I google searched "honoring your marriage" and found this article by Jerome Daly at a website called "you're not alone." Now, I'll put a disclaimer here... I haven't got the foggiest idea of what this website is and neither support nor deny any of its claims... I just liked what Mr. Daily wrote here

"Now, fifteen years later, we are very different people than the ones who squeaked out those celestial vows. Did we have even a clue then? Yeah, a clue... but not much more. How do you begin such an uncharted life? Getting married is at the same time the most natural and the most foreign step most of us ever take. What do you honestly have to go on? Besides the premarital workbook that you may have scribbled in incoherently in your love-drug buzz, where do you find guidance for the specific shape of your relationship? Even within a Christian context, how are you supposed to understand this mysterious creation called marriage? And once you're past the initial giddy awkwardness of it all, the question is still a valid one: what shape should your marriage take? What is the connection between the marriage you observed growing up and your unique shape as a couple? Should you follow your parents' example, or should you work hard at doing things differently? When you find that things aren't working, is it possible that you're stuck in structures and mind-sets that God never intended for you and your spouse to adopt? What are God's specific intentions for your marriage?
Marriage is the quest that takes you beyond the forms of your parents' relationship-no matter how good or bad-and into your own destiny, held in the heart of God and waiting to be unwrapped by you. "

That's exactly what P and I have been talking about...the SHAPE of our marriage and what we want it to be like. Do we want to follow our parents examples or how do we want to change those structures and mind sets. What is the specific intention that He (or She) has for our marriage.

We've also talked alot about how we make decisions as a married couple. We make a lot of decisions together...but then there are decisions that we simply have to make apart from eachother and are we following the same value constructs and guidelines. I'm not talking about the silly stuff like "what do I eat for lunch today," I mean like when my parents or Ps dad weighs in on a subject in our lives and gives the 'parental advice.' How do we respond? Do I talk about being frustrated with P with my parents? Is that disrespectful if I haven't talked about it with him and told him about my frustration? When P's dad (while shopping for garden stuff) says 'oh this is the way it has to be done and there's no other way you know that that's how we did it in our house while you were growing up blah blah' does P think to himself 'but that might not be how WE want to do it in our house?' and is he able to explain that to his insistent father?

I guess we started talking about this because as more and more of our friends are getting engaged and married, we're seeing that on the surface many of them don't appear to have changed their relationships much since when they first met. I don't at all mean to sound judgemental because I love my friends and their partners and think that overwhelmingly they are happy and secure in the marriages. However, I want ours to evolve...I want ours to continually strengthen and grow. I want P and I to be able to look at eachother and know that the other cares deeply about being a Family of our own. Whether it's always just the two of us, or if some day we add children to the mix...I want to be able to say that I honor my marriage through constant learning and growth. I want us to be strong enough to create our own marriage and not just model after our parents, great qualities though they may have.

So, readers...if you're married (or about to be Wolfy ;-) ) How do you/will you honor your partner? What are your thoughts on what that really means? It's not just words in the vows... how do you all follow through? I'm curious...and I love love and stories about people in love.

Do tell?


Wolf said...

thanks for the comment. i'm in the midst of freak out mode (made much worse my my mother...that was meant to be a post, but i just haven't quite had the time or motivation, and i think i might scare some people with my frustration... i believe that no matter what it will be a beautiful day...still hoping for a nice day though (in other ways...)

b and i have actually talked about what it means to honor each other and our marriage a lot (even though we aren't quite there). neither of us have had the best role models...my parents, even though they stayed married for close to 30 years before my dad died, were not happy, and his ended up divorced not too long ago. not to mention, he was married before, and very unhappy in that marriage. we don't really believe in divorce (even though he went through one), and i think we are both scared at times of what the future will hold in regards to how we will change...together and separately.

as i become more accustomed to what it means to share a life with someone, i see that sometimes, i have to put my pride behind me and realize that what I want may not be what is best for US. having lived on my own for so long and made decisions for myself without asking means this is a difficult transition. it is hard for both of us. we are both stubborn and type a personalities. but in the end, we can't help but think about the fact that we love each other and want to go through life together. that means sharing good and bad and sometimes sacrificing...and sometimes hearing things we don't want to hear. i guess when i think about what it means to honor my partner, i think of the fact that i need to be open and honest and work on making myself a better person for him and for me (and in other ways...religious-wise, but i'm not totally there yet). i also think it means that i try and help him to be a better person.

we are writing our own vows and i haven't even started. i have no idea what to write and know that i'll probably start crying when i write them anyway and it will be a mess. :) but i want what i say to truly be a reflection of what it is i will promise to TRY and do. i know i will not be perfect and will make mistakes. i know there is a lot about me that i need to work on. but regardless of those facts, he wants to marry me, and trusts that we will help each other to grow and become better people.

a lot of people will say that honoring your partner means being faithful and loving. i guess i believe it goes beyond that. i do believe that being faithful and loving is definately part of it...but just because you are faithful, doesn't mean other actions/words show it.

i have no idea if i am making sense. i do in my own mind, but it doesn't always come out on paper the way i am thinking it.

i have no false ideas that marriage will be an easy thing. but i believe it can develop in to something more beautiful then a person can find by themselves.

i'm rambling. :)

back to making programs.

Blue said...

I've been married for almost half my life. (Clearly this means that I was a child bride and robbing the cradle both, as Doc is six months younger than me). Doc and I fell DEEP in love at 18, and though no one besides us actually thought we'd end up married, we've definitely proven to be odds-breakers.

We were both of the "wait until we're married" old-fashioned ilk, if you catch my drift. so waiting to wed when we were 21 was definitely an exercise in self-control. But like adam and eve, we started our lives together and had to figure most things out for ourselves.

marriage has been the best and hardest and most rewarding and most challenging and wild-crazy adventure i've ever been on. definitely more than what i imagined it would be. but truly, isn't that to be expected?

the reason we're here on earth, i believe, is to grow. and when do we grow? when we're facing hard things with grace and humility and faith. there never has been nor will be a soul who gets through a life without trial of one sort or another. it's best to just breathe a sigh of thanks during the good times, and be grateful for the reprieve, because it never lasts. whether illness, financial stress, family relations, changing beliefs and attitudes, unfulfilled dreams and goals, disparate opinions on hot-topics...SOMETHING will come up to present an opportunity for you to learn and grow in a new way.

marriage as a unified team, in my opinion, offers the best solution to weathering the storms of life successfully. and it has the potential to bring you the greatest joys you'll ever know.

keys for us:
talk talk talk. i've always claimed that if you can talk about it, you can get through anything. especially if you talk calmly and rationally with respect for the other. no secrets...unless it's about birthday gifts etc.

don't make big decisions when you're mad. some people say not to go to sleep mad, but in my experience that isn't always practical. so just don't make any decisions till you've calmed down and are able to sort things out.

don't enter marriage (or stay in it) with a "pre-nuptial agreement" attitude. if you're feeling like you need one, you probably shouldn't get married in the first place. That's my sincere opinion. Only start something like this if you intend to see it through.

pray. a lot. in our case it's mostly me who does the praying, as my sweetie has kind of lost his belief in the past 20 years. see...something like that could have torn us apart, but I've learned to love him as he is, and genuinely feel at peace with where he's at. doesn't mean it's not a source of heartache for me, but it's not a deal breaker or the end of LIFE AS I EXPECTED IT to be...though initially it was truly devastating to find out we were no longer on that same page together. i think my tendency towards rash, impulsive all-or-nothing thinking has mellowed over time, and i credit prayer for helping me see things more clearly

expect change. in all things. EG: family size. Before we got married, we expected a big family. we both had 5 kids in ours, and i assumed we'd have 4-5 of our own. after having one, doc felt like he'd be fine with just her...but for her sake agreed to another. this was (is) still really hard. i have lots of friends who, like me, want more babies. they're even my age (yes...we old ladies still think of these things). i'm really hoping it doesn't tear their relationships apart because i know how hard it is. but fighting about stuff isn't going to help anything. nor is complaining. i never knew anything that was so bad that complaining about it didn't make it worse. Doc had no way to know before he was a parent how he'd feel about this matter. there are going to be lots of changes ahead. learn to roll with it.

remember why you love each other. keep that list of reasons growing. write it down if you must, so you can read it in tough times.

both of you be fiercely loyal to each other. selfishness is the great destroyer of happy family life. if you make your greatest concern the comfort, well-being and happiness of your spouse, you will be happy and your marriage will go on forever. that may sound supremely old-fashioned, but i believe it is true. be a team.

those are some of my suggestions. marriage is beautiful and holy. it's like a living, breathing creature in that it needs regular attention and care, and sometimes it gets sick and needs even MORE TLC. from what i've read about your tender heart and nature, you're going to be a fabulous wife!


Carry out a random act of kindness, with no expectation of reward, safe in the knowledge that one day someone might do the same for you. Princess Diana

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