Friday, August 29, 2008

happy long weekend!

I am a worry wart. I know this. I worry about everything. I know it produces no positive outcome...but yet, I still worry. I think that there are people who are inherently bred to be worriers. We're the "what if" people. We're the "plan for the worst case scenario" people. Logic tells us that it's fine, that we're putting undue pressure on ourselves, but that doesn't take that feeling away. *sigh*

It's stupid stuff that I worry about. I worry constantly about whether I'm doing a good enough job at work. If the people I work with think I'm doing okay. I hate that I don't know all the procedural processes yet. I despise that I forget how to do certain things in the computer system. Instead of thinking to myself..."you've only been there for 4 months, it's okay" I worry that I'm not catching on quick enough and that my boss is frustrated with my slowness.

I hate that I feel like I need validation and that I want to know I fit in and am doing okay in this new place.

I hate change. It brings out all kinds of insecurity and parts of myself that I dont like.

Logic tells me that I've been through this before. When I moved to Athens and worked at OU, I spent the first several months VERY unsure of myself and my footing. P was deployed in England, my parents were 3 hours away, I had NO friends there. I was...the new girl and I hated it then as much as I hate it now. It's such a silly silly thing to worry about. And I am.

In Athens, it was a little bit easier because my "office" was a whole building and there were SO many people that I could talk to and make accquaintances with. I distinctly remember the first conversation where I actually felt like people were open to learning who I was. One of the campus police officers stopped by my office one night when I was unpacking stuff and stayed to talk to me and a security aid for an hour or so, just because it was a slow night and I was a new face on campus. It was the first time in MONTHS that anyone had just stopped by to say hi and "shoot the shit." That was much appreciated by my introverted, hesitant to strike up a conversation with anyone, self. It's important to me, more important than i'd like to admit, to be able to recognize someone and say "Hi ____" and call them by name. What can I say, I'm a herd animal. I don't necessarily need to be best friends with people that I work with, but like w/that OUPD officer, I would never say we were friends, sure was comforting that when we'd run into eachother at the gym we could say 'hey' and call eachother by name. It makes it feel like you belong in the environment. Names and recognition are important.

The girls in my office are great...but they're already 'fitted' to eachother. I'm not quite yet. I'm the shoe that's not quite broken in. I hope that I'm not giving anyone blisters.

P's parents are coming down tomorrow. They were supposed to help us build our flower beds since I have a brown thumb and know nothing about flowers. HOWEVER I did not think realistically about the amount of football that is on tv this weekend. The odds that we are going to actually do yardwork are very slim. Monday we're going down to my parents house because my Uncle is here from England. It'll be nice to see him. We have SUCH a small family, with my mom being an only child and my dad's family being in England. It's really nice when I get to see some of them. I think the Pig is coming up to see him Monday as well, so that will be really really nice.

Pig is doing fabulously so far this semester. She's really enjoying her special ed classes (good thing! it's her major!) and is feeling pretty good about the General Ed classes she has to take...she's not excited about them, but she's not going to fail :-) I'm very very proud of her.

Well, P's out in the yard picking up dog droppings so that IF we do get to do yard work...his step mom isn't finding the dog's little presents with her gardening shoes :-)

3 things:

1: the rain this week, our grass is dusty.
2: when someone calls you by name...when P says "I love you 'Ann'" it seems to mean more than just 'love you'
3: kirk herbstreit.... i know, it's a sick obsession, but he is SO CUTE.


Wolf said...

i know you are doing fine. have faith in are good at what you do, and were when you were at OU too. i know how it feels though...i always worried, even when i had been in the job forever, that i was doing something wrong. or that when someone accused me of doing something that was absurd, that people were going to believe it.

sounds like a certain oupd officer i know. :) it sure makes a difference when someone says hi. being introverted isn't easy and so many people take it to mean a person is stuck up. no, really, it's just that we are a bit shy and uncomfortable in new situations, thanks.

hope you get a little bit done around the yard, i know what a pain it can be (especially when you don't know a thing about me!)

Blue said...

okay. here i thought it was so random a coincidence that i had two new people checking out my blog, who were both from ohio...only to find out that you know each other!

yeah, i'm slow like that sometimes.

anyway, as a complete extrovert, i know i can't personally relate to the introversion thing...but i'm surrounded by them, and it's taken me my whole life till like 9.234 hours ago to finally realize the really significant thing that i've struggled to get with regards to them: It's not about me.

I swear I need a tee shirt with that on it (only my friend faye says it's not about me, unless it's something good...then it probably is about you[but she's just generous like that]).

so yeah, i get the insecurity thing. i think it's about me...something off-putting in me that pushes them away and closes me off from them. but i'm finally getting it. and learning to just chill.

still, being acknowledged is really important. especially to an extrovert like me! ;-)


Carry out a random act of kindness, with no expectation of reward, safe in the knowledge that one day someone might do the same for you. Princess Diana

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